Top 5 Kick Ass Kids

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The idea of kids beating up adults is hardly new. One can trace it back through time to when a certain Israeli boy, with ideas well above his station, decided to take on the might of a Philistine giant. After whacking him on the head using a Dennis-the-Menace-style sling shot, he then goes all R-Rated by decapitating him.

Given the long history of these type of stories, it’s hardly surprising to see so many depictions in today’s culture. This week, for example, sees the controversial release of Kick Ass, a movie which features a 12-year old swearing like a trooper as she slices dices and shoots her way past foes in a manner Tarantino’s Bride would be proud of.

In honour of this new edition to the world of violent child protagonists, I’ve compiled my Top Five. Feel free to embarrass me with obvious omissions.

5. Karate Kid
Violence won’t solve all your problems, but it will get you the respect of your peers; allow you to beat up your worst enemy; and win over the girl. Contained within the seemingly innocent world of Karate Kid was surely a much darker message about diplomacy versus action. Thankfully, another generation is going to receive this important message in the upcoming remake starring Jackie Chan.

4. Battle Royale
Surely the violent kids movie to end all violent kids movies. With the hope of reducing overpopulated Japan, teenagers are stuck on an island together in some warped, literal version of Survivor. The rules are you get one weapon (which range from axes to saucepan lids), and if there’s more than one person alive after 72 hours, everyone dies. A movie that could surely only have ever been made in Japan, it’s like Lord of the Flies with machine guns.

3. Peter Pan
Poor Captain Hook. Imagine being on an island with tweens and teens, who were not only going through adolescence, but had the indecency to remain in that state forever. No wonder he went mad and started chasing crocodiles. Also, what self-respecting adult would let children fly with swords in their hands? Health and Safety anyone?

2. Home Alone
So robbers are about to break into your house. You know the time, you know what they look like. But rather than merely contact the police, you decide to enact some crazy mouse-trap like scheme involving tar, heated door knobs and paint tins. Clearly those black and white gangster movies have had some kind of crazed psychotic effect on your brain. Then again, being forgotten twice by your parents in the space of a year is bound to have deep-rooted psychological implications.

1. Let The Right One In
Like Karate Kid, this features a boy getting bullied. Only, instead of Mr. Mayagi, he gets the girl next door to help him out. Only thing is, the girl next door is a vampire – A vampire who can scale buildings like spiderman. Her ability to inflict pain on her adversaries makes Kick Ass’ Hit Girl look like Malibu Stacy.

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